


it brings me to my knees (it’s a bad religion)

by PseudoPsychosis



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, Cheating, F/M, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Introspection, cheaters we love you, fuck owen hunt, greys writers if they aren’t endgame i’m suing, no really fuck that man i hope he dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:40:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29514042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PseudoPsychosis/pseuds/PseudoPsychosis
Summary: Ultimately it comes down to this.He can ignore it all he wants, he can push his feelings aside as much as wants but try as he might he will never truly be able to get over the fact that he wants more. He wants more than frantic, rushed nights that are over before they even start and he wants more than the faint smell of jasmine on the pillow next to him. He wants a life with Teddy Altman, he wants to be the one to make her smile, to make her happy.orin which Tom Koracick speculates on the art of being too close and yet miles apart from Teddy Altman
Relationships: Teddy Altman/Owen Hunt (mentioned), Teddy Altman/Tom Koracick
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	it brings me to my knees (it’s a bad religion)

I.

She kisses him first.

It's important, he thinks, to remember that, to remember, as his senses are flooded by the smell of her hair and the taste of her lips and all rational thought flies out of his head, that she is the one who initiated this, she is the one leading them on this path of destruction, just so that when, and yes when because all affairs such as these are a bomb waiting to go off, each second bringing you closer to an inevitable explosion, when Owen eventually finds out and he is accused of taking advantage yet again, he can stress that she started it, she brought them here, she showed up at his door and she was the one who pulled him towards her, mouth crashing into his as the door closed behind them.

Deep down he knows he would never put this on her, never willingly throw her to the wolves like that, knows that he would take the blame over and over if it meant protecting her from hurt. 

He doesn't like to think about what this might mean

And so it begins, a cycle of her showing up at his door in the middle of the night and then creeping out at the crack of dawn, no doubt returning to her children and dishrag of a fiancé. A cycle of waking up to rumpled sheets that still smell like her shampoo and going work to see her kissing her fiancé as she takes her kids to daycare, the domesticity of it all causing something to twist inside of him as he realises it is something he will never have.

II.

It hurts him, he thinks, to remain like this, to taste the burn of her lips on his, to remember the sensation of her fingertips pressing into his back and yet not be able to do something as simple as hug her, or have the honour of seeing her eyes light up, corners of her mouth twitching upwards as she fights the urge to laugh as something he says. That doesn't happen anymore. The sound of her laughter is replaced by echoes of before and a lingering emptiness that never quite seems to disappear (no matter how many times his lips meet hers).

III.

Sometimes, he wakes before her. These days are better in this mind, something warming inside him as he registers the feel of her back pressed close against his chest, their legs entangled underneath the blankets as the room turns shades of pink in the sunrise and he breathes in the scent of jasmine, nose pressed into her hair whilst he allows himself to imagine, to pretend that this is real, that they are together and spending the rest of their lives together and that in a few minutes he won't force his eyes closed again to assume the appearance of being asleep as she extracts herself from the bed and walks out the door the same way she always does. 

But the constant in this mess they have made is that there is an inevitability to the way these mornings end and so, in the same way that he pretends this lie they've crafted for themselves is true, he always pushes away twinge of sadness he feels when she moves out of his arms, telling himself he will be content with this. That having this will be enough.

IV.

Ultimately it comes down to this. 

He can ignore it all he wants, he can push his feelings aside as much as wants but try as he might he will never truly be able to get over the fact that he wants more. He wants more than frantic, rushed nights that are over before they even start and he wants more than the faint smell of jasmine on the pillow next to him. He wants a life with Teddy Altman, he wants to be the one to make her smile, to make her happy. He wants to be the person she runs to when she has good news, to be able to fold her into his arms and press a kiss to her forehead after a long day and say “Let's go home."

V.

He's had enough of lies and half-truths and never quite being close enough and it's hurting him because he loves her. He loves everything about her from the sound of her laugh to the way she curls her fingers in his shirt when she pulls his lips to her and he doesn't want to be the secret she runs away from. Not anymore and it is partly because of this that he says they need to end this. 

He tells her that it's because of a code, that he cannot be the man that sleeps with someone's wife and he means it. 

He's been through that pain and he wouldn't wish if on anyone, even if said anyone is Owen Hunt, but he also knows that he is just close enough to the edge, this love, this passion that haunts him from the moment he wakes and follows him long after he has fallen asleep, holds him over a dangerous precipice and all he needs is a small push before any set of rules he holds himself to disappears, before he breaks any code Theodora Altman asks of him him to if it means he can stay with her. And so he forces himself to say it, forces the words out of his mouth and leaves before they turn to lies.

And just for a moment, everything seems to solve itself as he learns to live with the dull pain that twists within him whenever he sees her and he stays on the right side of the edge, staying away from her and promising himself that this is for the best. That she will be happier. And when it comes down to it that's really where the problem lies because it isn't about trying to steal her back from Hunt anymore, to try and show her that she will be happier with him because she won't, not as far as he knows.

VI.

It makes sense for her to end up with Owen, the man's she's loved for a decade and known even longer, and the father of her child not him, Tom Koracick, the asshole who poisons everything he touches she deserves better than that. Better than him. She deserves to be with Owen and happy rather than with a man like him and so in the end he stays away, forces himself to forget the feeling of her lips on his and the way she smiles because as painful as it is, he wants her to be happy. He wants her to be happy even if it means she goes for someone else.


End file.
